A night to remember

Tonight is the night. The kids are tucked in, and your significant other whispers those four romantic words in your ear. You wanna do it? So you run and get your kids' sponge bob music player, and you get ready to get busy. You reach for some lingerie, but you remember you haven't bought any in six years, so you grab a bikini and jump in bed. Before you climb in bed, you run for an energy shot, and grab some gummi bears then jump back into the love nest. You prop yourself on the bed like your about to do a lingerie ad or rather a swimsuit cover. The door opens, and just when you think its him with a Kem cd, its your son he's had a weird dream about squirrels chasing him and peed the bed. "Mom are we going swimming tomorrow?"

Can you handle it?

Can you handle the truth? What will you do with it once you receive it? If it wasn't for some great friends, many lovers, and some strangers, and a few enemies I wouldn't be the woman I am today. Sometimes listening to critics, is the best advice you will ever receive. Have you ever had someone suggest a new look, a new book, or maybe even a best practice to use? How welcoming were you to the criticism? Did you make an excuse, did you turn them down, or did you tune them out? Well I know one thing if there is something you think I should try I'm gonna consider it. I might not do it but I will consider it. I mean thanks to some highly effective feedback I have shaved my legs, colored my hair, waxed my snatch, trimmed my whiskers, whitened my teeth, and that was just yesterday. Think about it. Stella got her groove back with a new cut, Megan Ryan got her man back with Jungle red nail polish, and Jada Pinkett-Smith has kept her man for years while using the element of surprise. We have to reinvent ourselves lady. You can't stay the same forever. We are not little chickees anymore sisters, we can't do a cute laugh anymore and get the same effect. You got to get that wow factor. You know the expression written on their faces as you walk into the room. What I'm trying to say is can you handle it? Because if you can, believe me you won't be disappointed, and there is no going back. You will look better, feel better, and want more!

MacGuyver Mom

What would you do? When in a situation of despair, and the only thing you have is the sense God gave you, and your top notch Primma Donna bag.

Scenario 1: Your on a field trip, and your newly made friend is embarrassing herself and the rest of the moms, because her children are running around the children's museum like they are in an exhibition for kinesthetic role play. Bobby nose begins to bleed profusely, and Sara has already left to get Bobby's twin brother Michael out of the man's bathroom before its too late. What would MacGuyver Mom do? Look in your new Diane Von Furstenburg bag. Got it! Good! You reach for a tampon. You ram that tampon in his nose like good sex, and you stop the nose bleed. Yeah! You saved the day. 1 point for MacGuyver Mom.

Scenario 2: Oprah is on highlighting the influence of Edward and Jacob from the Twilight series on her show, and explaining how those characters have driven women to exercise, and stop drinking cocktails in the afternoon. Your children are outside of course playing unattended, with the neighbors' kids and you feel okay about it, because of the cost of your mortgage. You assume nothing could go wrong in this overpriced community. Your son runs in screaming, and falling down in pain, and itching erratically. You wait until a commercial comes on. He tells you that he was jumping over bushes, and believes he's dying. What would MacGuyver mom do? You look in your Versace python bag, and you remember that you gave all your hydro cortisone cream to your housekeeper who is functioning as a gardener this week, because the full time gardener got a case of poison ivy. You grab relief in a tube. The one thing that keeps any man away for 7 consecutive days, Monistat cream. You rub it all over his body, and you grab a bottle of Benadryl, and use it for its intended purpose rather than a sleep remedy. You did it again, you saved the day. Good Job! 2 points for MacGuyver Mom.

Top Ten Mom like Behaviors

10. The only time you get to see a rated R movie is when the makers of Sex and the City release a new movie.
9. You and your husband no longer sleep together.
8. You would rather mop the floor then have sex.
7. Your DVR is full.
6. The only time you really feel like working out is when you watch the E channel.
5. The last time someone touched you down there and you liked it, you were getting waxed.
4. You ability to deal with bullshit is minimal
3. You use your own spit to wipe strangers faces in the street.
2. You can't remember what your first name is.
1. You look in the mirror and you see your mother.