Mommies little secrets

What would we do without our mothers? A good mother has a way of making everything look picture perfect without letting you know how much effort was put into it. Mothers have such little secrets that allow the world to go round, the Earth to spin on an axis, and aliens to stay unseen. For example, when your sick and your tummy hurts who do you call? Your mommy. When the kids are picking on you in school and you feel like you don't have a single person to turn to, who do you call? Your mommy. Mommies are so important, sometimes we don't realize how important they are because we never see those little things.
How do they do it? My mom always managed to stay cheerful all day. She never raised her voice and always had a smile on her face. One time I told her that this big breasted girl in the 4th grade named Stacey was picking on me in school and she told me to pray about it. The next day it got better. My little brother used to run around like a motorcycle let loose in the house, then one day like magic he stopped. After a long day at work my mother always managed to have a four-course meal waiting on the table for us at dinner time. I remember on another occasion telling my mother that I had a little too much fun over spring break and how I was worried that my monthly would not come. She handed me a cup of hot chocolate and told me know need to worry and everything would be okay. My mom had a way of making everything alright. So when I gave birth to my first daughter my mother was right there with me and whispered in my ear I have a little secret to tell you. I knew that whatever she was about to tell me would be the best advice I would ever receive.
She said " You are a mommy now so its time for me to tell you mommies little secrets because now you too will have your own little secrets." She said, "Remember how that big breasted girl Stacey used to pick on you in school. I paid an eight grade boy to take her out and become her boyfriend. Remember how I always stayed happy and never sad. That was Prozac, honey. And remember how your brother used to run around like he had a V8 engine inside of him then one day he stopped. That was because I put Ritalin in his peanut butter sandwiches. You know how I always managed to cook a new meal every day. That was Boston market. And finally, remember how you had too much fun that one Spring break and I gave you some hot chocolate to make you feel better. It had the morning after pill in it. Well those are mommies little secrets and soon you will have some of your own. But remember not tell anyone your secrets. By the way your real daddy is the mail man."

I need a tinkle!!

What happened to the tingle? Married ladies remember when you were in high school with your teenage boy crush. Do you remember when he would touch you ever so slightly on the knee and thousands of lightning rods would shoot up your leg? Each time his hand touched your face, or your back you thought a buzzer had been placed in your underpants. Now your past is 20 and your future is 40 and your wondering when was the last time someone set your panties on fire, and I'm not talking about 1998 when you had a little too much fun during Spring Break.

What happened to the tingle in your life? The excitement! The chase! The cat and mouse game! Instead of setting the mood you ask "Hey you wanna do it?" Then you text each other what time to meet in the bedroom. No more undressing me with you eyes. Now its "take your flannel pajamas off but leave on the top" and "can you press pause on the dvr." Of course you lost your tingle you left it in Daytona Beach in 1998 and haven't felt it since. The closest you came to a tingle is before you traded your old washing machine for a non pulsating, non vibrating high efficiency washer and dryer. Your 3 year old daughter walks in while your busy folding clothes and reminiscing about the old days and says "Mommy I need to tinkle." And you say, "Tell me about it!"