Pink Cooler

Once a year the gods summon us to visit that small white room, and sit on that metal pedestal called stirrups for our annual visit to check the goodies. Because of Eve we are given the uncomfortable pleasure of having our privies checked by some stranger all to find out if we are still functioning properly. One things that is true about those special appointments is that they have always remained weird, and unusual. The first time we went we shuttered at the thought that our mother would find out that the plum has been snatched from the tree. As years progressed, and we married those visits became predictable and routine. So today, at 31years of age I was caught off guard for a moment when my doctor suggested I get a mammogram. Of course I had felt it, but I'm 31. Not 4o. But 31. I do everything right. I breastfed my kids, for a year I must say. But that didn't matter. What I felt was real, and to my dismay what the doctor felt underneath my breast was also real. She left the room, and I begin to stare at the bio hazardous container. It said dispose of each day. I wanted to jump in. I wanted to dispose of this little situation. My mind went from the trashcan to the pink cooler I purchased from Loews. I thought it was cute. It was on sale, and of course I was supporting breast cancer research. I don't know which reason outweighed the other, but all I could think about was that pink cooler sitting in the garage. I hadn't even used it yet. For the first time in my life I didn't feel like a diva. I didn't feel like a Prima Donna Momma. I just felt like a woman!

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Desparately Seeking Crazy

School is out, and all of a sudden I am having the hardest time getting out of bed. Usually my alarm clock will wake me up. Then I will begin the day brushing my teeth and getting the kids ready for school. Or my children will run into my room and ask for breakfast, or whine about how hungry they are. I don't know. They definitely can't run into the room anymore, since the bedroom door just got fixed. Took care of that. They're not going to ask me to fix breakfast, because mom only fixes breakfast on Sundays and that's when we don't go to church. So what is the problem? Why do I feel so bored, so alone, so useless? There are definitely things to be done around the house. Dishes need to be washed, food prepared, and clothes definitely are piling up. But that doesn't interest me. I need something more. I need to feel the wind beneath my wings. What happened to my inner motivation? The strength I had to pull it off. To get that job when I was no where near qualified. To snatch that man up that I had no idea what he had in store for me. To drive an hour and a half to become a certified teacher, and take online classes for a master's degree with no Internet. Where did that woman go? Where is she hiding? That woman was brave, courageous, spontaneous, a multi-tasker. That woman was pretty much crazy! What happened to my crazy? And where is it hiding? There are dishes to be done, and books to be written, and school work to be started. That woman enjoyed feeding her kids three times a day. Who is this woman I'm staring at in the mirror? I've lost my crazy. That's it. I lost my ability to go over the deep edge, and get things accomplished. To fight the odds, and those people who would rather not call me by my government name. By golly, I've lost my inner crazy. And I want it back. And if I can't find it in this comfortable bedroom, then got dammit I'm going to leave out of this room. I will search for it on the mountain tops of Splash Mountain at Disney. I will search for it in the aisles of the local Walmart on Christmas Eve. I will look for it in the taste of every flavor invented by Ben and Jerry. I will think back to how many times my significant other called me crazy, and attempt to remember why I was called that precious name so many times in our marriage. I will find it! I will find it! I will find my inner crazy.

Mommy's Little Secret

You called my name and I came. We flew over mountains and oceans. You whispered in my ear, and my hair lifted. We danced the night away. We drank the night away. I woke up and I was refreshed. You made me feel better. You took my stress away. When can we do it again? I already miss you. I can't wait for you to come and wisp me away again. Until next time. "What's your name again?" "Vacation." "Oh vacation. I remember you. Before the kids, the marriage, the job, the divorce, the recession. Good to see you again." "I told you I would always come back for you."